Nothing Matters More Than Your Word - Especially To Yourself

Week 8: Complete! It's officially been 56 days and I feel awesome. Down a total of 20 lbs and 14 inches overall! (If you're in Austin- seriously, Jeremy Robinson has an amazing program you should look into) 20 lbs in two months! I can't believe the results I am seeing. Of course, it's a lot of hard work, persistence, sweat and self-control, but it can definitely be done.

 I still have a minimum of 30 lbs left to lose, and currently I am approaching the closest thing to a plateau that I have experienced since I started. Monday I begin my 2nd cleanse, which I am very excited about! This means 7 days of unlimited veggies and 3 fruits a day- not so bad. In the past, if I would have hit a plateau I'd have been extremely discouraged and frustrated. Now, I have the knowledge and ability to kick start my system again and continue back on my path to weight loss.

Not only am I losing the weight, the inches, etc, but I am gaining the confidence. I feel so much better. I'm in the stage now where everyone is beginning to notice the differences and shower me with compliments. It's an amazing feeling! It is, however, a dangerous thing at the same time. The more compliments and confidence you get, the better you start to feel about yourself and the less motivation you have toward reaching your goal. Many people struggle with this- I definitely have in the past. But that's what's so different about my goal this time. My goal isn't just to feel better about myself. It's about commitment.

One of the major things I have learned about myself this year, is that I have a problem with commitment. (ha- like everyone else!) No, I'm not talking about relationships (although I am sure that's the case on occasion...). I am talking about commitments to  myself. I realized I don't have a problem with goal setting, I just have a problem committing myself to the things I say that I am going to do. Ex: I'm going to do laundry today. I am going to go work out today. The list goes on. This whole experience isn't about just getting healthier, feeling more confident, finding a boyfriend or anything like that. It's about commitment to myself. Making a promise, and keeping your word to yourself.

My entire life, I have been taught that the most important thing you have is your word. Do what you say you are going to do. I have always lived my life that way, but I realized, I only do it for others. If I am committed to a friend, a boyfriend, a promise, whatever, I have no problem keeping that commitment because I gave my word. But when it comes to keeping promises to myself? Worthless. Totally unreliable and honestly, probably blatant flat out lying to myself. I'm a skeez! If I were to treat people the way that I have treated myself, I would have no friends. That's an awful realization to have about yourself!

Sadly, I think that is a very common thing for most people. (Although, it's even sadder that there are plenty of people who are not only okay with lying to themselves, but with lying to other people too) Thankfully, I have the self- awareness to realize and admit this about myself, so I am doing everything in my power to change that. See? So it's not about losing the weight. It's about staying true to yourself, not just true to other people. It's about keeping a promise. It's about being a better person as a whole, in every possible form. So those compliments that make you feel all sexy and proud, sure they feel great. And did you reach your goal of gaining more confidence? Yes. But is it about that? No. You don't stop until you have fulfilled your promise to yourself. Hold yourself accountable.

My vision:
When I say I am going to do something, I do it. Whether I said it out loud, or I said it in the back of my mind. It doesn't matter if it's about doing laundry, meeting a deadline, or not texting that ex back like I swore I never would. I believe in myself. I set goals, and I reach them, no matter how small or how daunting they may be. Because of this, I set an example for the people in my life. People believe in me, because I believe in myself. Sure, feeling sexy helps, but I know that isn't what life is about. The more I grow, I grow to be a better person physically and mentally, so that when I'm old, I have a personality and strong morals that will make me a beautiful person rather than just my looks.

The Question Isn't Can You Do It? It's: Will You.

Emotional eating is such a horrible tendency! Again, I am reminded of how much more of a mental battle weight loss is rather than a physical one. Sure, for some people there are physical issues that occur and hold back their progress (injuries, diseases etc.) but the majority of us simply struggle with our self destructive tendencies.

This past week and a half, I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety with work, my future, relationships, etc. It's been an extremely emotional week for me. After some disheartening news yesterday, it literally took everything in my power to resist the urge to revert back to my old self destructive habits that have helped cause my weight gain to begin with. My natural instincts were screaming that I go to the CVS on the way home, buy a giant bottle of wine (not the regular size, the big one), a pint of Blue Bell Ice Cream and a chocolate bar to finish off in a single sitting while I sit at home and depress myself.

As much as I am STILL struggling with this idea, flitting around the back of my mind, I made the decision to stay strong and stay committed to my promise to myself to be a better person. So then, my second instinct was still not a very positive one: I just wanted to go to sleep for the rest of the day and shut out every thought and problem in my life. I figured, hey- at least I won't want to eat, right? But finally I decided that was yet another way to mask my problems and not confront the issue. Finally, I invited a friend over to talk it out, focus on the positive things going on in my life, had a HEALTHY sugary snack (an orange) that always helps make me feel a little better, and then I went to go work out with my trainer Jeremy.

The work out was rough. I was NOT in the mood to push myself, and I was still half on the verge of tears throughout my entire work out. Again, thank god I had Jeremy to come to the rescue (as much as I kind of wanted to hit him when he told me to do 100 weighted jump squats followed by a series of [my mortal enemy] burpees). I finished the work out, exhausted and shaky. But in the end, did I feel better? Yes. Did I do something positive? Yes. I felt accomplished, and I felt proud that I had the strength to avoid reverting back to bad habits.

Today marks the start of my 8th week of living low glycemic. It's been 50 days of intense work outs, high activity levels, and a major adjustment of mental attitude and daily habits while controlling what foods I put into my mouth. 50 days ago, I wouldn't have had the strength to avoid those urges I had yesterday. I can truly say I am in a different place in my life now, and I have the strength and self-worth to know that my body deserves to be treated better, despite my mental state. Cheers to those of us working to create a better life for ourselves! We all have our struggles, but in the end, the question isn't can you do it? It's: will you.

Today's vision for my future:
No matter whether everything is going perfectly in my life, or if everything seems like it's falling apart, the one part I always have control over is how I choose to react to those situations. When my life is a mess, that doesn't give me an excuse to disrespect my body. I choose to handle negative situations by dealing with them in positive ways. If I am stressed, I work out my frustration in the gym. If I need to cry, I find a positive friend or family member to talk to. If I crave sweets, I always try to satisfy the craving with a natural sugar like fruit. When met with any difficult situation, instead of purely reacting, I consider the best way to approach the situation, and have the strength and ability to choose the most beneficial option for myself. I always remember that it's better to be strong in difficult situations than to make it worse by making a decision to be weak. By doing this, I am able to live healthily through the worst times and the best, always knowing that the dark times will pass no matter what.

Two Options: Either Suffer the Pain of Discipline, or Suffer the Pain of Regret

Okay, you caught me. My last entry was 4 months ago.. I lost it, I gave up, and I failed yet again. However, I confessed in my first post, that I will never quit! So here I am again, but this time with a much stronger success story.

About 2 months ago, I was miserable. Uncontrollably binge eating, gaining weight, and mulling around in self-pity. I couldn't take it anymore; but I also couldn't change by myself. I made a major monetary commitment, and hired a motivational personal trainer/nutritionist. I couldn't pull myself out of it on my own, but with help, I knew I could re-energize and commit myself to someone who believed in me. 

So I began my new life style. The past two months, I have achieved an amazing transition into a low glycemic lifestyle.  Shockingly, I am now gluten, caffeine, sugar (except natural sugars), dairy, and grain free. Two months ago I would have never even believed those words would EVER come out of my mouth. But guess what? I am down 17 lbs in 6.5 weeks and living low GI has been the easiest AND most successful form of weight loss I have ever experienced. What a win!

After a harsh first week of a soft cleanse (unlimited veggies, 3 fruits/day), I stopped craving sweets and snacks. I didn't want any bread or cheese or milk or anything- not even caffeine! I was jumping for joy to be able to add protein to my diet! Since then, I have added low glycemic carbs, and a small amount of fat to my daily diet. So to sum it up, I have 3 proteins, unlimited veggies, 1 fruit, and 2 low glycemic carbs a day. A maybe a serving of fat (almonds, olive oil, almond butter) every other day. Easy peasy!

The best part, is no matter where I go, there is ALWAYS something I can find to eat. Tell me what restaurant doesn't have protein and veggies? Sure you might have to be that snooty meal-modifying customer, but with the right playful/friendly attitude, your waiter/waitress will have no issue making it happen for you. I can go out to eat, I can cook a variety of delicious healthy meals, and enjoy the freshness and extremely flavorful selection of all natural foods that are nothing but good and pure for your body. 

Is avoiding alcohol still an issue? Yes! Alcohol will never be healthy for your body. However, believe it or not, I have achieved this weight loss in 6.5 weeks despite an insane trip to Vegas for a bachelorette party on week 4. Did I look like a serious alcoholic ordering vodka waters? Maybe.. but did I gain a single lb? No! Of course I kept my drinking to a reasonable minimum, and danced in stilettos for hours on end to make up for it. I can't tell you all how amazing it feels to have control of my life back. 

Am I anywhere close to my goal weight? No- I still have at least 35 more lbs to go. Can I do it? Hell yeah! This low gycemic lifestyle isn't something that just goes away. It's not a diet. It's a lifestyle. With continued exercise and support from my trainer Jeremy, I am 4 months from obtaining my goals. But I am confident I will get there! I have no doubt in my mind. 

I've decided to continue my blog and share my success stories with you all. I was afraid to pick it up again after my disappearance, but I can't keep this from you! I feel so amazing and so happy with were I am at in my life. I feel strong, accomplished, proud, THIN, energetic, and happy. Never give up on yourself!

Here is my future outlook for myself:

I have reached my goal weight. Even though I was happy at 130, it was not about just being happy. It was about achieving a goal and accomplishing what I said I was going to do and keeping my word to myself. I am now 120 lbs and I have never felt more accomplished in my life. Not only am I considered "thin" but I am in the best shape of my life. I am toned and proud of every muscle I have earned. I am active on a daily basis, and I cook meals for myself and friends instead of going out to eat, discovering new recipes and enhancing my cooking skills everyday. My friends and family are proud of me, and are motivated by my example to live a healthier life. I take good care of my body because I know this is the body I have for the rest of my life. I think of being an example for my future children and take steps to live a long healthy life every day. Confidence is never an issue because I know I can achieve any goal I set for myself. 

Act Like You Need It To Breathe

I watched this video, in search of material to prepare for a "motivational" meeting I am putting on tomorrow at work, and this one example really stood out to me. This ridiculously exaggerated "Soul Preacher" guy is talking to a group of students about success. He tells a story of this man having his head held under water while he desperately struggles to fight for his life. As he begins to feel himself slipping away, the man releases him and he is able to come up for an urgent gasp of air. The man asks him, when he was under water, what was the one thing he wanted more than anything? His answer, was to breathe. All he could think of was his need to breathe. That's how badly you need to want success to achieve it. Like you need it, to breathe. 

The obsession. The pure focus, the single minded, hunger driven, absolute desire to pursue and achieve your goals. You need to want it more than you want to sleep. More than you want to party. More than you want to be cool. More than you want to EAT. 

It's so frustrating to me, to watch these videos and read these articles telling you the keys to success. We know what needs to be done. We know we need to want it. We know we need to believe in it. Sure, you can watch all the motivational speeches in the world, but that STILL won't tell you how to convince yourself.

How do you get yourself to want it more than anything? How can I get myself to be obsessed? How do I make sure that I REALLY want it? How do people manage to brainwash themselves so desperately that they're sole focus is to succeed? 

These are the questions I keep trying to find the answers to every time I set my weight loss goals. How can I want it more than I already do? Am I so afraid of success? How can I sell myself on this?

Today was a day of refocus. I've been good, I'm still on track, but today was definitely one of the harder days. After a rough day at work, reminding myself of why I should be good, why I shouldn't eat that, why I should go work out was especially difficult. Writing it out and re reading and re reading is my only solution. Surround yourself in the obsession. Write about it. Dream about it. Fantasize about it. Talk about yourself like you're already there. 

Todays vision:

I am 120 lbs, and in the best shape of my life. I breathe confidence and success, and only take steps toward bettering my life in every way. I have a booming career in marketing, in which I am totally full of passion for. I am in the beginning stages of a budding relationship, with a man who has goals and a passion and enthusiasm for life that drives me to want to be a better person. Together, we stay fit, challenging each other to keep active by working out, camping, hiking, kayaking and enjoying the beauty of the world together. I surround myself with positive people who only influence my life for the better. The choices I make for myself bring joy and happiness on a daily basis. I have something to smile about every day, even on the rough days. I love myself, I love my body, and I am truly in love with the life I have single handedly created and chosen for myself. I have control of every choice I make. 

Reality: Confidence > Liquid Courage

Whew... Survived weekend #1 of the diet. Ok, we'll mostly. So according to weight watchers, and several other diet theories, your allowed a "cheat day" or "meal" throughout the week. For me, when I laid out all my goals and steps toward weight loss, I wanted to be realistic. 

As a 20 something socialite living in Austin, "not drinking" is practically a sin here. If you don't drink, you're perceived as boring, un-fun, and no one wants to invite you out. Now, I have tried to get away with it, however I have realized that's the one part of being on a diet that is just not very realistic for me. I don't need a cheat day for a big steak or a big brownie, I need my cheat day to maintain my social life. 

I set up my goal to allow myself one night of drinking if I have attained my goal of 1.5-2lb loss per week. Now if this is going to actually work, I'm not sure. But it's the only way I can see myself sticking with this thing long term... So I'm going to try it. 

It's easy to cut out the sugary drinks and stick with the clear alcohol and the vodka tonics, but the hardest part for me? The hangover. The next day, as you're suffering through your recovery period, all you want to do is eat comfort food and drink delicious sugary drinks that make you feel better. And on top of all those cravings, your fuzzy brain has the hardest time registering the emotion called "caring." What is caring? I don't give a sh** if I'm ruining my diet! Hell, I don't even care if I look or act socially acceptable for the next 3 days, I just want to feel better. Horrible!

Thankfully, I was able to get it together this weekend, drag my hungover ass out of bed and go for a miserable excuse for a jog. But it was a step toward something good for myself! The #1 best cure to a hangover is exercise. Sweat it all out and you will feel so much better. Are the first 10 mins the most miserable torture you could possibly imagine? Sure, but even if you drive yourself to vomit, at least your burning calories and riding your system of the filth you poisoned it with the night before. Think of the positive! 

I used to be in the best habit of working out first thing in the morning after a particularly wild night. I think I managed it because I was most likely still drunk first thing in the morning, so I wasn't necessarily in the hang over mode just yet. But I don't know what happened! It used to be a religion for me, but now it's practically impossible for me to accomplish. Yet another one of those things that you know will make you feel better and solve all your problems, but you just can't convince yourself to do it. Talk about masocistic...

But okay, so imagine this...

You know how confident and beautiful you feel when you've been drinking? Imagine feeling that way all the time. No insecure thoughts about how bad you feel in any tight clothing, you know you look good. It's easy to talk to your crush, and you don't even flinch when he goes in for a hug, placing his hands on your sides where your love handles used to be. And even on those nights where you do go out and indulge in some alcohlic activities, you don't pay for a single drink, all the bartenders love you, and in the morning, you know the guy who got your number last night will still adore you rather than being concerned it was just a misjudged drunken attraction. All the feel-good thoughts about yourself are true facts and dancing the night away, you receive nothing but adoring looks from people who want to be around you. You don't need any liquid courage to make yourself feel good about yourself, you feel good no matter what. 

(The more I read that, the sadder it is, but you know those of us who are overweight are our own worse critics. It's all about confidence, and that's what I want to achieve through my weight loss.) 

One Step Closer To A Nice Ass

Ahh... It's nice to wake up feeling thinner. As hard as its been to be "perfect" on the diet while traveling and eating out for every meal, I have managed to come out still feeling accomplished. It's always so rewarding to wake up in the morning and notice the slight differences in your body, slowly but surely, every morning. Your clothes fits a little better, there's a little more bounce to your step, and you start your day off with a sense of accomplishment. 

I wish I could just remember that feeling throughout the day! It's so funny how no matter what, when you're doing something good for your body, you always feel so good about yourself afterwards, yet even knowing that, you still make bad decisions that you know that you'll regret later. It's so important to try and keep that memory of that feeling of progress and success fresh in your mind throughout the day... I just don't understand why it's not easier. 

Weight loss really just is a battle of the mind. You dread working out, you dread ordering that salad, but once you do it, you find it's actually really enjoyable and you feel really good about yourself afterwards. Why is it so natural for us to want to avoid doing things that are so good for us? I really wish I could understand how some of us are so much better about it than others. How do those people have the drive and motivation to wake up at 5am every morning to go on a 5 mile run while managing to eat only bits of lettuce and tomato throughout the day? 

For me, I have yet to find the balance between working out and eating right. If I am working out really hard, I always end up much hungrier throughout the day and end up with a sense of entitlement, thinking I deserve to eat a little (or a lot) extra because I did so good working out. Then, on the flip side, when I'm dieting really intensely, my energy level is so low, I barely have the energy to get myself off the couch! 

They say the perfect ratio is 20% exercise and 80% what you put in your mouth. Why is that so hard? Why can't it just be one or the other? I mean, it's been done either way I'm sure. In 2009, I joined Jenny Craig for the summer and managed to lose 30lbs without working out, but I was also 19 and didn't have the alcohol temptation you have once you get older. Now, it's the struggle between a social life, your busy work life, your sleeping routine, and time to just sit down and freaking relax. With so much going on, it's tough to manage the perfect balance!

They say its all about planning ahead- which I've come to realize is the most true statement I've heard regarding weight loss. Planning your meals for tomorrow, packing extra snacks for moments of desperation, scheduling a workout time that you stick to religiously, and planning checkpoints for yourself so you can take baby steps to reach your goal. It's honestly like a whole other job. 

But knowing all of this definitely helps in the end... You just have to commit! Make promises to yourself and keep them. Keep playing those scenarios in your head of your ideal life- no matter how far fetched or goofily unrealistic. Just think of a future full of possibilities, and thoughts that put a smile on your face. That's my approach anyway :)

In my perfect world of the day:

You wake up, feeling thin and confident, ready to start your day. You roll out of bed, perfectly on time, with plenty of time for a morning jog. You change into your work out clothes (the cute attractive tight kind that used to be too revealing in your heavier days) and put on your favorite song as you head out the door to start your day. You begin your run, enjoying the sunrise and take off through the parks and running paths with no insecurities as you trot along in public. After a few miles, you return home feeling like you've already completed a great achievement before you've even started your work day. On your way to the shower, you strip off your sweaty clothes, catching an appreciative glance of your fine naked body in the mirror. It feels damn good to look so good! When it comes to picking your outfit for the day, you no longer have fitful changing sessions, hating every article of clothing you try on. The first outfit you pick looks perfect and you feel proud of the way you look; avoiding the stressfulness that you used to encounter when presented with a wardrobe change. You still have time to brew your fresh coffee and sit on your patio with your granola, enjoying every moment of your morning. Heading off to work, you're awake and energized feeling ready to take on the world. 

Today we're one step closer!

Airports: The Best Place To Not Be Fat

What is it about airports?! Something about all the waiting mixed with the anxiety of actually catching your flight just gives me the worst cravings to switch right into vacation mode. I'm traveling for work for 3 days this week and this morning's trip through the airport was just horrendous.

After all the running and chaos in the world to get there, I missed my flight by just a minute. Of course, aside from my immediate fury and disbelief, my next initial instinct was this: Mmmm might as well drown my feelings of failure and helplessness with a delicious airport Cinnabon snack while I wait on standby!

Poisonous, poisonous thoughts! Of course, today, I didn't give in- as I recovered from my embarrassing heavy breathing after my short sprint through the airport. I just couldn't help but laugh at myself throughout my entire travel experience. Not because anything was actually funny, but it's just pathetic, the struggle after struggle! One of those situations where it's just so bad you can't help but laugh to keep yourself from crying.

After missing my flight, I'm left waiting for a hopeful opportunity at a second chance on a flight, surrounded by only the junkiest of fast food concepts wafting their delicious fatty "vacation-mode" foods around my nostrils. As I sit, attempting to mentally block out all those sinful diet breaking thoughts out of my head, I focus on enjoying my 90 calorie Fiber One bar instead. Finally, they call my name to get on the flight in place of all the other hoards of people missing their flight (damn security was madness!), I drag my "carry on" bag- which definitely shouldn't have been considered a carry on- all the while wishing I were in better shape to carry this thing around. I get onto the plane by miracle, only to encounter a situation completely new to me. My fat hips barely fit down the isle of this tiny plane, practically bumping everyone I pass by! Not only that, but I have to heave my 30 lb bag above my head into the overhead bins on a completely packed flight. This leaves me reaching over a fairly attractive man struggling to push my bag into the overhead bin, while self consciously envisioning the scarring view this man must have of my double chin from that angle.

Now I sit. And I am sweating. And breathing like I haven't worked out in ages, only to be struck with yet another obstacle. The Fiber One bar. The one I was being so well behaved with? Yeah, well we all know the effect of the Fiber One bars, so now I'm stuck on this tiny plane with my stomach in knots just wishing, wishing I'd have just gone for the Cinnabon. Luckily, I was able to control myself, but still! The suffering! Why can nothing ever be easy?!?!

In the end though, despite all the struggles, I overcame my morning from hell, and am feeling much more accomplished, even with my Fiber One mishap. The motivational day dream I would like to paint for myself today is this:

Imagine a future, where you can go to the airport and still look cute in your "airport" clothes. You arrive late to the airport, but with your air of confidence and your striking good looks, everyone allows you to pass through security, if only to get a glimpse of your toned body as you pass them by. Sure, you still need to run a little, but hell, you're so in shape it's practically just showing off. You arrive at your 1st flight on-time, brushing through the aisle with ease. Preferably, some single gentleman offers to put your heavy luggage into the bin for you, but if not, you swoop it up into the bin, shamelessly allowing your midriff to show as you reach over some unsuspecting stranger. Even if you have the middle seat, it wouldn't be an issue because your so thin you fit into any seat comfortably; of course, this wouldn't happen to you because a devilishly handsome man would offer you his window seat because, well, you're just that pretty! You have a peaceful flight to your destination and encounter nothing but smiles and laughs on your way out of the airport, winking at all the bell boys offering to carry your luggage to the car. 

Wouldn't that be nice?! Might not be the most realistic day dream in the world, but hey- anything is possible when you're 40 lbs thinner. Keep tuned!