It's a Long Process, but Stopping Won't Get You There

Oh man. So it's definitely been awhile since my last post.. and a lot has happened since then. Through Jan-March, I continued my weight loss journey, making mistakes here and there. Slowly, I dwindled back into bad habits and I lost control. Many people experience this struggle, and it's very easy to feel like giving up and accepting defeat. The biggest lesson to pull away from this is, no matter what set backs you experience, you have to keep trying.

I refuse to let go of myself and allow myself to wallow in bad health, and beat myself up for letting myself get here again. I accept responsibility for my actions, and I refocus myself and start right back up again. When I began this journey, I knew I was setting a long term goal. I knew this would be a big commitment and there would be struggles to face. And just because I have still not accomplished my goal, that doesn't mean I am going to stop trying.

The biggest struggle that I have experienced, and the major cause for "derailing" my progress, is my emotional eating tendencies. Having moved to a new city, started a new job, made new friends, and having to adjust to an entirely new life has taken it's mental toll on me. Even though everything has been going well in my life, the past 6 months or so, I have been fighting a severe battle against depression. And although I am aware that a healthy diet and exercise can be a HUGE contributing factor to preventing depressive behaviors, I found myself in state where I literally could not find the strength to care about my health or my future. The only momentary pleasure in life I could find was food. So I ate, and I drank, and I stopped caring about the effect it had on my body. All I cared about was getting an ounce of pleasure or release from the nothingness that I felt in my depression.

The worst part was that I KNEW that being overweight would only cause me to fall deeper into a depression and to cause myself to be ashamed of my body and my lack of self control- yet, I couldn't stop it. I realized that I HAD to get in a better mental state in order to continue pursuing my goals. I am convinced many people who struggle with their weight, battle with their mental stability as well. In my case, I decided I had to pull  myself out of depression and bring myself to a healthy mind before I could follow with a healthy body.

It's taken me between 2-3 months to accomplish it, but with help from my friends and family, and a conscious effort on my part, I finally feel the strength to begin again. I am two weeks into picking up my clean eating habits, and I hired a local personal trainer to force me into my training and exercise habits again. So, the journey begins again! Like I said, the commitment to a healthy lifestyle is is a life-long process, and a big part of it truly is the mental battle. The important thing to understand is that no matter what struggle you face, as long as you don't give up, you will be able to succeed and reach your goals. Commitment is key.

I will continue to try my best and be the best Nicole that I know how to be- so cheers to a fresh start and the ability to keep a smile on my face again!

Vision for the future-
No matter the emotional struggle I experience, I always confront the issue and seek help and support from those around me to keep me in a healthy state. I do not turn to food for comfort when I feel stressed or defeated; I turn to a hard sweat and a heated work out. When I feel down, I promise myself that instead of wallowing, I will choose to do something about it, and commit to positive, uplifting behaviors. And even if there are moments where I do slip up- I promise to never give up on my health. I promise to keep trying and trying over and over again until it finally pays off. I do not do this out of vanity alone, or a desire to feel attractive, I do this because this is what my body was created to do. Eat for fuel and energy, move and stay active to use and burn that energy, and rest and rebuild myself in order to be the healthiest me I can be. I strive for a long life full of health and happiness so that I can be there in the future and achieve the goals I set for myself. I do it for me and my future.

Don't Eat Like a Savage

Okay- I'm not even going to mention the fact that it's a new year and blah blah I have all these New Years resolutions. Reaching my goal weight is still my top priority still, just like it was all the way back in August last year. 

Sure I struggled a little over the holidays- definitely gave in to some serious temptations; actually one of which I will confess to you because I actually find it to be a really humorous story. It also highlights the temptations we face on a regular basis and how difficult it can be to make healthy choices in our society today. 

So mid-December I was forced to go through some mandatory "On Boarding" training (super basic stuff, safety etc... in other words, mind numbingly boring information). Throughout this training, the trainers understand that no one wants to be there and they attempt to ease their guilt and make the classes tolerable by having hoards of chocolates, cookies, cakes, etc available so you can eat your boredom away. 

Throughout this 5 day training, I must say I almost made it through to Wednesday without "sinning." However, on this specific day, I faced my arch nemesis: a Tres Leches cake. Coming from a hispanic background, a good Tres Leches is pretty difficult to find. This one looked amazing. Not only did I gorge myself on an entire piece of cake, I guiltily wandered off to my father's office (yes he works at my company too) to confess my sins. (I ALWAYS have the worst burning desire to confess my dietary indiscretions.. I need somebody to shame me!) After blurting out my lusty affair with my Tres Leches, my father became very interested. His reply, with a mischievous grin only Satin could have produced, "Is there still some left in the training room?" His excitement quickly rubbing off on me for yet another moment to gluttonously submit myself to the Tres Leches all over again, we scampered off as I led the way back to the damage zone. 

Now, in case you don't know me, I happen to have the last name Savage. Fitting, in instances like this. At first, I watched as my father cut himself a piece of cake in the abandoned training room; fighting an internal battle to attempt to resist the cake yet again. The battle was lost. Sheer pleasure rolled across his face as he bit into his cake, and I lost control. I grabbed for another piece of cake, and without a fork or any socially acceptable mannerisms, stuffed my greedy little mouth full of yet another obscenely large piece of cake. I was in heaven. 

As my father and I shared this moment of an utter loss of control (on both our parts), we laughed and laughed mischievously; envisioning the reaction of someone walking in to discover the two "savages" (literal in both senses) gorging aggressively on the unsuspecting cake in the abandoned room. While this memory is likely to bring a smile to my face for many years; it was a weak moment. I did not leave feeling proud of myself, or even physically happy with myself, mainly because I kind of wanted to vomit afterwards due to the sugar overload. 

That was not the only mistake I made over the Christmas break, however, due to the months of hard work and serious dedication, my body was able to adjust to the abuse and managed to pull through for me. I didn't gain a single pound over the holidays, which speaks extremely highly of how powerful it is to live the low glycemic lifestyle. 

Jeremy, my trainer, always told me that once I got my body in a place where I am physically fit enough and built enough muscle, my metabolism will get much faster and be able to deal with occasional indiscretions. I was very doubtful of this since I have alway been the kind of person to balloon up if I even LOOK at food the wrong way, but Jeremy was right yet again. 

The point is, yes- I am going to make mistakes. I am a Savage. I do savage things, like gorge myself on cake in awkward corners of my office building. But as long as I can always bounce back, get back on track, and move on, my body will be able to forgive me for those moments of weakness. 

Envision of future Nicole:

My body is solid muscle. 95% of the year, it's because I worked for it. But there are those occasional days where there is a monster in me, and if I see cake, I will attack. These days are kept to a bare minimum, because I am always striving to better my self control, but they do occur. Thankfully, my body has the proper metabolism to kick butt and make sure that minor offsets will not effect our overall well being. That way, I can have silly bonding moments with others over a piece of cake without wanting to shoot myself afterwards. I work hard, and sometimes I deserve a little sweetness. I know that my health is what is important to me and I am always able to refocus and better myself yet again; never truly veering off of a healthy lifestyle. 

Skinny is Not as Easy in the Cold

Nothing is more demotivating to me than cold weather. No wonder it’s so hard to lose weight during the holidays… my body wants to stay all fat so I can be nice and warm!  Especially now that I’ve lost about 30lbs, I am cold all day, every day. #skinnygirlproblems.

These are my current struggles due to cold, wintery weather:

1.  I don’t want water... AT ALL. Nothing to make me colder is welcome!
2.  I don’t want to leave my bed/couch/car/apartment... whatever it be. I don’t want to leave! I have to force myself to work, which is hard enough on its own, and when it comes to making myself go to the gym? Ugh! Why would I do that when I can be at peace all bundled with my puppies at home? (cuz you want to be a fit, productive, non-pathetic human being.. duh..)
3. Only hot foods allowed. This means NO salads, NO raw nothin’! So much for healthy veggie snacks... I want soups, potatoes and comfort foods.
4.  On the weekends, drinking tends to help keep the cold away… and I’m not talking about water!

For the first time since I started living low glycemic, I have hit an area in my life where I am struggling. Not only did I just move to a new city, start a new job, and leave my support system over in Austin, it all just happens to be right smack dab in the middle of the holiday season, and paired with my least favorite weather. Talk about a hurdle!

As much as I am mentally struggling, I must admit, it really hasn’t been that bad. Thankfully, I have put all my new practices into habit for several months now, and I am still maintaining a very good lifestyle. It is true that I haven’t been perfect- but then again, nobody is perfect 24/7.  Aside from the cold weather, I am adjusting to a new “office lifestyle.” While I was used to being in the restaurants all day at Schlotzsky’s, I had learned how to overcome those temptations. Here in the office, there is a new set of temptations. Delicious, daily lunches with co-workers, candy bowls at every admin’s desk, nibbles available at every conference meeting, and the worst? Boredom.  Because I am beginning this new position, there isn’t a set “program” or pattern for me to start into. My trainer doesn’t even come back until next week, so there has been a lot of sitting around and reading books and information on petrochemicals. Understand my pain?

I think previously, it’s been easy to resist all the snacks and goodies because I was busy and on the go. The past 3 weeks, the boredom is creeping in and it’s making a terrible chocolate monster out of me! How do people go around without snatching little chocolates off the admin’s desks every time you pass by!? How cruel is that… couldn’t they put up a little bowl of carrots or something? This is an obstacle I need to overcome. I know that soon I will be extremely busy and thankfully, done with the days with my nose stuck in “Petrochemicals in Nontechnical Language” but gosh I am struggling!  

I do know that I will pull through this. I am a full on exercise addict now, so I know that habit is around for the long haul. I have picked up hot yoga, and have started doubling up on my work outs. Hot yoga in the morning, training at night. Not only that, but I walk EVERYWHERE. I am in a place where everything is within walking distance, so I am staying much more active on a daily basis. The best part is knowing that once I cleanse my systems of sugars again, I will no longer have those cravings and it will be much easier to resist the demon office candies.  That’s the great part of having gone through Jeremy’s nutrition class- instead of falling into a lusty black hole of chocolates, pumpkin pies and sugar cookies, I can pick up on my struggle and know exactly what I need to do to fix it. And I know I can do it!

As far as my cold weather struggles, I need some help from my fellow low GI teammates! Tips? Suggestions? What’s working for you? I am cold and missing my world of delicious coffee and pumpkin spice lattes! Let me know what has helped you all in this season.

My vision for this holiday season:

Steamed veggies, baked apples, and hot teas are all the comfort foods I need this season.  My zucchini noodles make for great holiday meals, and a perfect substitute for pasta. Rather than bonding with my family by gorging on gluttonous pies and stuffing, we participate in active bonding activities instead. Going for walks around the lake, family gym sessions, and maybe even some good old holiday shopping. (at least shopping is active!) Just because it’s Thanksgiving doesn’t mean I don’t need to work out; if anything, it’s a time to be thankful for my body and good health, and show my body that I have respect for myself and consideration for the things I put in my mouth. I use holiday seasons as a time to be grateful for my family, my body, my health, my friends, etc; not as an excuse to gorge myself on unhealthy things that make me very unthankful for the holiday season and the decisions that I made during it. I live a healthy life, full of wisdom and good decisions- even if I do sneak the occasional dark chocolate every once in a while!  

If You're Tired of Starting Over, Stop Giving Up

Alright everyone! Sorry for the lag in posts... but I realized, there really isn't much to write about once you've accepted your "diet" as your new lifestyle. How many times can I tell you how awesome I feel without you getting bored and annoyed with my blog? :)

Tomorrow makes 13 weeks that I have been training with 10 RM Fitness, down a total of 28.6 lbs; an average of about 2.2 lbs a week. Training with Jeremy has been amazing. I have never felt so motivated to accomplish my goal, and I have never had a nutritional plan with such amazing results. Because this plan has been so successful, the thought of "cheating" and sneaking a bite of a bagel or some cake doesn't even cross my mind. My will power is the highest it's ever been, and when people try to get my to break my "diet" by saying "come on, you can break it just for today" I respond with " I didn't ask for your permission." Haha. Sometimes you just have to put people in their place and not allow them to thwart your success!

Here at the end of week 13, I am reaching, what should be, a challenging hurdle in my life. I accepted a position with a new company in Houston. While this is all amazing news for me and the next chapter of my life, it also means I have to leave Jeremy, along with all my other routines and healthy habits in my life. Although this is all very exciting for me, it is also very stressful. Starting a new job, re-finding my friend group (I am originally from the Houston area), living in a new place, learning a new city, it's a whole list of major changes. With all of these things happening, you can see why I would be a little concerned, especially knowing my number one downfall is emotional eating.

However, within my first week here, I have set myself up for success. I joined a fitness challenge on dietbet.com. to help motivate me to continue to lose weight (4% of your starting body fat in 4 weeks), I purchased a calorie counter watch with a heart rate monitor to keep track of my physical activity, and luckily, there is an amazing 24 Hour Fitness within walking distance, 2 blocks away from my apartment. First thing I did upon arrival was unpack my kitchen and grocery shop so I could continue preparing my meals and keeping up my good behavior, just like nothing ever happened.

For now, I am going to finish off my last sessions with Jeremy via Bluetooth at the gym, but I know that the knowledge I have gained while training at 10 RM will stick with me no matter what! Even in the upcoming holiday season.. the dreaded diet-breaking season! I still have a least 25 more lbs to lose, but I fully intend to reach my goal come February (my 24th birthday). I refuse to spend the rest of my 20's ashamed of my body! This move is the perfect kick start to get my life going in exactly the direction I want it to be in. New job, new friends, new city, new body.

My vision:
At least 3-5 times a week, I participate in some form of physical activity. Whether it be going on a walk, working out in the gym, or dancing all night long. It doesn't matter how crazy busy I am at work, I always find a way to fit a work out into my schedule. Not eating right is never even a thought that crosses my mind, and making my meals for the week is a religious habit of mine. Because my fitness is a passion of mine, I naturally am surrounded by other like-minded people who have a drive for success and help push me to be a better person. I am at my goal weight, and there is literally not a single item of clothes in my closet that will fit me anymore. Dressing professionally is easy and non-stressful because I don't have to worry about a fat roll hanging out of a certain outfit, or something jiggling during a presentation when it shouldn't be. While traveling, I find time to work out and have no issues modifying my meals to be healthier. I simply don't make excuses for bad behavior anymore. There is no turning back from a lifestyle like this!

Two Options: Either Suffer the Pain of Discipline, or Suffer the Pain of Regret

Okay, you caught me. My last entry was 4 months ago.. I lost it, I gave up, and I failed yet again. However, I confessed in my first post, that I will never quit! So here I am again, but this time with a much stronger success story.

About 2 months ago, I was miserable. Uncontrollably binge eating, gaining weight, and mulling around in self-pity. I couldn't take it anymore; but I also couldn't change by myself. I made a major monetary commitment, and hired a motivational personal trainer/nutritionist. I couldn't pull myself out of it on my own, but with help, I knew I could re-energize and commit myself to someone who believed in me. 

So I began my new life style. The past two months, I have achieved an amazing transition into a low glycemic lifestyle.  Shockingly, I am now gluten, caffeine, sugar (except natural sugars), dairy, and grain free. Two months ago I would have never even believed those words would EVER come out of my mouth. But guess what? I am down 17 lbs in 6.5 weeks and living low GI has been the easiest AND most successful form of weight loss I have ever experienced. What a win!

After a harsh first week of a soft cleanse (unlimited veggies, 3 fruits/day), I stopped craving sweets and snacks. I didn't want any bread or cheese or milk or anything- not even caffeine! I was jumping for joy to be able to add protein to my diet! Since then, I have added low glycemic carbs, and a small amount of fat to my daily diet. So to sum it up, I have 3 proteins, unlimited veggies, 1 fruit, and 2 low glycemic carbs a day. A maybe a serving of fat (almonds, olive oil, almond butter) every other day. Easy peasy!

The best part, is no matter where I go, there is ALWAYS something I can find to eat. Tell me what restaurant doesn't have protein and veggies? Sure you might have to be that snooty meal-modifying customer, but with the right playful/friendly attitude, your waiter/waitress will have no issue making it happen for you. I can go out to eat, I can cook a variety of delicious healthy meals, and enjoy the freshness and extremely flavorful selection of all natural foods that are nothing but good and pure for your body. 

Is avoiding alcohol still an issue? Yes! Alcohol will never be healthy for your body. However, believe it or not, I have achieved this weight loss in 6.5 weeks despite an insane trip to Vegas for a bachelorette party on week 4. Did I look like a serious alcoholic ordering vodka waters? Maybe.. but did I gain a single lb? No! Of course I kept my drinking to a reasonable minimum, and danced in stilettos for hours on end to make up for it. I can't tell you all how amazing it feels to have control of my life back. 

Am I anywhere close to my goal weight? No- I still have at least 35 more lbs to go. Can I do it? Hell yeah! This low gycemic lifestyle isn't something that just goes away. It's not a diet. It's a lifestyle. With continued exercise and support from my trainer Jeremy, I am 4 months from obtaining my goals. But I am confident I will get there! I have no doubt in my mind. 

I've decided to continue my blog and share my success stories with you all. I was afraid to pick it up again after my disappearance, but I can't keep this from you! I feel so amazing and so happy with were I am at in my life. I feel strong, accomplished, proud, THIN, energetic, and happy. Never give up on yourself!

Here is my future outlook for myself:

I have reached my goal weight. Even though I was happy at 130, it was not about just being happy. It was about achieving a goal and accomplishing what I said I was going to do and keeping my word to myself. I am now 120 lbs and I have never felt more accomplished in my life. Not only am I considered "thin" but I am in the best shape of my life. I am toned and proud of every muscle I have earned. I am active on a daily basis, and I cook meals for myself and friends instead of going out to eat, discovering new recipes and enhancing my cooking skills everyday. My friends and family are proud of me, and are motivated by my example to live a healthier life. I take good care of my body because I know this is the body I have for the rest of my life. I think of being an example for my future children and take steps to live a long healthy life every day. Confidence is never an issue because I know I can achieve any goal I set for myself. 

One Step Closer To A Nice Ass

Ahh... It's nice to wake up feeling thinner. As hard as its been to be "perfect" on the diet while traveling and eating out for every meal, I have managed to come out still feeling accomplished. It's always so rewarding to wake up in the morning and notice the slight differences in your body, slowly but surely, every morning. Your clothes fits a little better, there's a little more bounce to your step, and you start your day off with a sense of accomplishment. 

I wish I could just remember that feeling throughout the day! It's so funny how no matter what, when you're doing something good for your body, you always feel so good about yourself afterwards, yet even knowing that, you still make bad decisions that you know that you'll regret later. It's so important to try and keep that memory of that feeling of progress and success fresh in your mind throughout the day... I just don't understand why it's not easier. 

Weight loss really just is a battle of the mind. You dread working out, you dread ordering that salad, but once you do it, you find it's actually really enjoyable and you feel really good about yourself afterwards. Why is it so natural for us to want to avoid doing things that are so good for us? I really wish I could understand how some of us are so much better about it than others. How do those people have the drive and motivation to wake up at 5am every morning to go on a 5 mile run while managing to eat only bits of lettuce and tomato throughout the day? 

For me, I have yet to find the balance between working out and eating right. If I am working out really hard, I always end up much hungrier throughout the day and end up with a sense of entitlement, thinking I deserve to eat a little (or a lot) extra because I did so good working out. Then, on the flip side, when I'm dieting really intensely, my energy level is so low, I barely have the energy to get myself off the couch! 

They say the perfect ratio is 20% exercise and 80% what you put in your mouth. Why is that so hard? Why can't it just be one or the other? I mean, it's been done either way I'm sure. In 2009, I joined Jenny Craig for the summer and managed to lose 30lbs without working out, but I was also 19 and didn't have the alcohol temptation you have once you get older. Now, it's the struggle between a social life, your busy work life, your sleeping routine, and time to just sit down and freaking relax. With so much going on, it's tough to manage the perfect balance!

They say its all about planning ahead- which I've come to realize is the most true statement I've heard regarding weight loss. Planning your meals for tomorrow, packing extra snacks for moments of desperation, scheduling a workout time that you stick to religiously, and planning checkpoints for yourself so you can take baby steps to reach your goal. It's honestly like a whole other job. 

But knowing all of this definitely helps in the end... You just have to commit! Make promises to yourself and keep them. Keep playing those scenarios in your head of your ideal life- no matter how far fetched or goofily unrealistic. Just think of a future full of possibilities, and thoughts that put a smile on your face. That's my approach anyway :)

In my perfect world of the day:

You wake up, feeling thin and confident, ready to start your day. You roll out of bed, perfectly on time, with plenty of time for a morning jog. You change into your work out clothes (the cute attractive tight kind that used to be too revealing in your heavier days) and put on your favorite song as you head out the door to start your day. You begin your run, enjoying the sunrise and take off through the parks and running paths with no insecurities as you trot along in public. After a few miles, you return home feeling like you've already completed a great achievement before you've even started your work day. On your way to the shower, you strip off your sweaty clothes, catching an appreciative glance of your fine naked body in the mirror. It feels damn good to look so good! When it comes to picking your outfit for the day, you no longer have fitful changing sessions, hating every article of clothing you try on. The first outfit you pick looks perfect and you feel proud of the way you look; avoiding the stressfulness that you used to encounter when presented with a wardrobe change. You still have time to brew your fresh coffee and sit on your patio with your granola, enjoying every moment of your morning. Heading off to work, you're awake and energized feeling ready to take on the world. 

Today we're one step closer!

Airports: The Best Place To Not Be Fat

What is it about airports?! Something about all the waiting mixed with the anxiety of actually catching your flight just gives me the worst cravings to switch right into vacation mode. I'm traveling for work for 3 days this week and this morning's trip through the airport was just horrendous.

After all the running and chaos in the world to get there, I missed my flight by just a minute. Of course, aside from my immediate fury and disbelief, my next initial instinct was this: Mmmm might as well drown my feelings of failure and helplessness with a delicious airport Cinnabon snack while I wait on standby!

Poisonous, poisonous thoughts! Of course, today, I didn't give in- as I recovered from my embarrassing heavy breathing after my short sprint through the airport. I just couldn't help but laugh at myself throughout my entire travel experience. Not because anything was actually funny, but it's just pathetic, the struggle after struggle! One of those situations where it's just so bad you can't help but laugh to keep yourself from crying.

After missing my flight, I'm left waiting for a hopeful opportunity at a second chance on a flight, surrounded by only the junkiest of fast food concepts wafting their delicious fatty "vacation-mode" foods around my nostrils. As I sit, attempting to mentally block out all those sinful diet breaking thoughts out of my head, I focus on enjoying my 90 calorie Fiber One bar instead. Finally, they call my name to get on the flight in place of all the other hoards of people missing their flight (damn security was madness!), I drag my "carry on" bag- which definitely shouldn't have been considered a carry on- all the while wishing I were in better shape to carry this thing around. I get onto the plane by miracle, only to encounter a situation completely new to me. My fat hips barely fit down the isle of this tiny plane, practically bumping everyone I pass by! Not only that, but I have to heave my 30 lb bag above my head into the overhead bins on a completely packed flight. This leaves me reaching over a fairly attractive man struggling to push my bag into the overhead bin, while self consciously envisioning the scarring view this man must have of my double chin from that angle.

Now I sit. And I am sweating. And breathing like I haven't worked out in ages, only to be struck with yet another obstacle. The Fiber One bar. The one I was being so well behaved with? Yeah, well we all know the effect of the Fiber One bars, so now I'm stuck on this tiny plane with my stomach in knots just wishing, wishing I'd have just gone for the Cinnabon. Luckily, I was able to control myself, but still! The suffering! Why can nothing ever be easy?!?!

In the end though, despite all the struggles, I overcame my morning from hell, and am feeling much more accomplished, even with my Fiber One mishap. The motivational day dream I would like to paint for myself today is this:

Imagine a future, where you can go to the airport and still look cute in your "airport" clothes. You arrive late to the airport, but with your air of confidence and your striking good looks, everyone allows you to pass through security, if only to get a glimpse of your toned body as you pass them by. Sure, you still need to run a little, but hell, you're so in shape it's practically just showing off. You arrive at your 1st flight on-time, brushing through the aisle with ease. Preferably, some single gentleman offers to put your heavy luggage into the bin for you, but if not, you swoop it up into the bin, shamelessly allowing your midriff to show as you reach over some unsuspecting stranger. Even if you have the middle seat, it wouldn't be an issue because your so thin you fit into any seat comfortably; of course, this wouldn't happen to you because a devilishly handsome man would offer you his window seat because, well, you're just that pretty! You have a peaceful flight to your destination and encounter nothing but smiles and laughs on your way out of the airport, winking at all the bell boys offering to carry your luggage to the car. 

Wouldn't that be nice?! Might not be the most realistic day dream in the world, but hey- anything is possible when you're 40 lbs thinner. Keep tuned!

Cowering in our Comforts

The first few days are always the hardest. Not because you don't have the strength or motivation in the beginning, but because it's all about breaking bad habits. Even when you've been perfect the entire day, all the sudden you catch yourself unconsciously reaching for that cookie sitting out on the counter in the office break room. It's not even that you want it, or that you're hungry, it's just because it's what you're used to doing. It's habit, and on day one of that diet of yours, you shock yourself because you find that evil cookie casually gripped in your chubbying fingers, just inches from your mouth before you've even realized what you're doing.

I have literally had moments of horror catching myself doing things like this; just barely escaping the threat of breaking my diet. The shock and realization of just how ingrained needless eating is hiding in the depths of my subconscious is terrifying. For me, I work in the restaurant industry, so the opportunity for food to be within unconscious reaching distance is unavoidable throughout the day. Understanding that your over eating isn't at all your body's fault, but that it's all hidden in some deeper meaning somewhere in your self-sabotaging subconscious is crucial to pin pointing those mental triggers that cause you to release hell on your diet.

I read an article that had some kind of quote in there about the tendency for us to "cower in our comforts." I love the phrasing... cowering in our comforts. The second I read that, I heard my favorite excuse for binge eating echoing in my head again and again:
"I'm just so unhappy in all aspects of my life right now, that the only way for me to find any happiness in my day is by eating whatever I want to. I deserve that don't I?!" 
I realized this is exactly what the article is referring to. Even though I know that being overweight is probably the number one cause for my unhappiness, it's easy to pretend like the world is just so hard and so mean that you have no option but to comfort yourself by ordering chicken wings to take home so you can writhe around in your buffalo sauce alone reflecting on all the things you hate about your life.

So we're aware of the fact that many of us are emotional eaters, but when we hear those excuses coming out of our mouths, we need to recognize that while they sound good at the time, it's a moment of cowardice. An attempt to feed yourself some lie that will make you feel better about avoiding your problems. Accept it, acknowledge it, and feed yourself a truth instead. Remind yourself that this habit is the exact thought process you keep repeating to convince yourself that fat is okay. Don't remind yourself of your misery, reflecting on all those tearful moments where you couldn't fit into your jeans. Envision that positive outlook of how improved your life will be once you've accomplished your goals.

Today here's my vision: 
A gorgeous sunny day like today, you get the urge to spend the day by the pool, laughing, reading, and on the look out for some half clothed eye candy. Instead of the immediate desire to hid your body in an un-sexy one piece, wrapped in a shawl and a sarong so your skin will never see the sun; you rip your clothes off, confidently jumping into that stylish tiny bikini and take off running to the pool, without a single body part jiggling on the jot there. You find the pool crowded with people, and have no shame removing your towel and revel in the appreciative glances you get from the opposite sex. You have a great time working on your tan, meeting new people, and feeling good about flaunting your new sexy body. Who needs a cookie to feel good when you can feel good looking great?

It'd Be Nice To Be Thin... But...

Alright. Today is the day the motivation came. Today, I begin my journey through weight loss. Although, like many others, this isn't the real start of the journey... this is the 50 millionth start of the journey. However, as much as I dislike starting over again and again, and trying every possible different diet out there, I refuse to ever give up completely, and I swear to myself: I will one day convince myself to be thin. Convince me skinny baby!

We all know weight loss is simply a decision. Whether you decide to be rich, decide to quit smoking, decide to be a doctor, it's all simply a decision to CHOOSE what you want to be. I think those of us who struggle with our weight simply struggle because we haven't really chosen that that's what we'd like to accomplish. We continuously complain about our weight and are aware of it, but really we say it because sure, it'd be nice to be thin, but it's not thaaaat necessary, right?

The reason we're on and off all the existing possible diets is because we haven't selected weight loss as our ultimate goal. The obsession. The thing you want most in life. It's more like... well, it'd be nice to have a boat one day, but I don't have to have it today... just sometime in the future, when I happen to live near a lake and have the money to afford that good looking boat boy to clean it for me.  It's just a side project, something that we're half attempting at a shamefully low effort level.

I'm sure the rest of you are like me. You lay in bed at night, fitfully regretting that Molten Chocolate Cake you ordered at Chili's promising yourself that tomorrow will be different. Envisioning your life as a perfect bodied girl sashaying those shapely buns through your beautiful fantasy life- only to wake up with a Krispy Kreme craving and a complete lack of self control.

This is an effort to put those late night "skinny life" scenarios down on paper so they can transform from the unattainable day-dreams I have for myself, to solid written goals. All those "If I were skinny" thoughts, shouldn't just be floating around your mind in the night after a particularly shameful day of binge eating, they should be written for the world to see so that they become real and attainable.

Blogging my struggles, my hopes, my dreams, my goals, my failures, my faults, will be my secret weapon in this month's battle of the scale. Craving a brownie? Perfect, more material for my blog. Instead of giving myself the mental speech about why I shouldn't eat the brownie, I am going to write it down and command myself not to eat the damn brownie.

Follow me on my discovery of the power of putting my dieting thoughts on paper, and convincing myself skinny.