It's a Long Process, but Stopping Won't Get You There

Oh man. So it's definitely been awhile since my last post.. and a lot has happened since then. Through Jan-March, I continued my weight loss journey, making mistakes here and there. Slowly, I dwindled back into bad habits and I lost control. Many people experience this struggle, and it's very easy to feel like giving up and accepting defeat. The biggest lesson to pull away from this is, no matter what set backs you experience, you have to keep trying.

I refuse to let go of myself and allow myself to wallow in bad health, and beat myself up for letting myself get here again. I accept responsibility for my actions, and I refocus myself and start right back up again. When I began this journey, I knew I was setting a long term goal. I knew this would be a big commitment and there would be struggles to face. And just because I have still not accomplished my goal, that doesn't mean I am going to stop trying.

The biggest struggle that I have experienced, and the major cause for "derailing" my progress, is my emotional eating tendencies. Having moved to a new city, started a new job, made new friends, and having to adjust to an entirely new life has taken it's mental toll on me. Even though everything has been going well in my life, the past 6 months or so, I have been fighting a severe battle against depression. And although I am aware that a healthy diet and exercise can be a HUGE contributing factor to preventing depressive behaviors, I found myself in state where I literally could not find the strength to care about my health or my future. The only momentary pleasure in life I could find was food. So I ate, and I drank, and I stopped caring about the effect it had on my body. All I cared about was getting an ounce of pleasure or release from the nothingness that I felt in my depression.

The worst part was that I KNEW that being overweight would only cause me to fall deeper into a depression and to cause myself to be ashamed of my body and my lack of self control- yet, I couldn't stop it. I realized that I HAD to get in a better mental state in order to continue pursuing my goals. I am convinced many people who struggle with their weight, battle with their mental stability as well. In my case, I decided I had to pull  myself out of depression and bring myself to a healthy mind before I could follow with a healthy body.

It's taken me between 2-3 months to accomplish it, but with help from my friends and family, and a conscious effort on my part, I finally feel the strength to begin again. I am two weeks into picking up my clean eating habits, and I hired a local personal trainer to force me into my training and exercise habits again. So, the journey begins again! Like I said, the commitment to a healthy lifestyle is is a life-long process, and a big part of it truly is the mental battle. The important thing to understand is that no matter what struggle you face, as long as you don't give up, you will be able to succeed and reach your goals. Commitment is key.

I will continue to try my best and be the best Nicole that I know how to be- so cheers to a fresh start and the ability to keep a smile on my face again!

Vision for the future-
No matter the emotional struggle I experience, I always confront the issue and seek help and support from those around me to keep me in a healthy state. I do not turn to food for comfort when I feel stressed or defeated; I turn to a hard sweat and a heated work out. When I feel down, I promise myself that instead of wallowing, I will choose to do something about it, and commit to positive, uplifting behaviors. And even if there are moments where I do slip up- I promise to never give up on my health. I promise to keep trying and trying over and over again until it finally pays off. I do not do this out of vanity alone, or a desire to feel attractive, I do this because this is what my body was created to do. Eat for fuel and energy, move and stay active to use and burn that energy, and rest and rebuild myself in order to be the healthiest me I can be. I strive for a long life full of health and happiness so that I can be there in the future and achieve the goals I set for myself. I do it for me and my future.

Don't Eat Like a Savage

Okay- I'm not even going to mention the fact that it's a new year and blah blah I have all these New Years resolutions. Reaching my goal weight is still my top priority still, just like it was all the way back in August last year. 

Sure I struggled a little over the holidays- definitely gave in to some serious temptations; actually one of which I will confess to you because I actually find it to be a really humorous story. It also highlights the temptations we face on a regular basis and how difficult it can be to make healthy choices in our society today. 

So mid-December I was forced to go through some mandatory "On Boarding" training (super basic stuff, safety etc... in other words, mind numbingly boring information). Throughout this training, the trainers understand that no one wants to be there and they attempt to ease their guilt and make the classes tolerable by having hoards of chocolates, cookies, cakes, etc available so you can eat your boredom away. 

Throughout this 5 day training, I must say I almost made it through to Wednesday without "sinning." However, on this specific day, I faced my arch nemesis: a Tres Leches cake. Coming from a hispanic background, a good Tres Leches is pretty difficult to find. This one looked amazing. Not only did I gorge myself on an entire piece of cake, I guiltily wandered off to my father's office (yes he works at my company too) to confess my sins. (I ALWAYS have the worst burning desire to confess my dietary indiscretions.. I need somebody to shame me!) After blurting out my lusty affair with my Tres Leches, my father became very interested. His reply, with a mischievous grin only Satin could have produced, "Is there still some left in the training room?" His excitement quickly rubbing off on me for yet another moment to gluttonously submit myself to the Tres Leches all over again, we scampered off as I led the way back to the damage zone. 

Now, in case you don't know me, I happen to have the last name Savage. Fitting, in instances like this. At first, I watched as my father cut himself a piece of cake in the abandoned training room; fighting an internal battle to attempt to resist the cake yet again. The battle was lost. Sheer pleasure rolled across his face as he bit into his cake, and I lost control. I grabbed for another piece of cake, and without a fork or any socially acceptable mannerisms, stuffed my greedy little mouth full of yet another obscenely large piece of cake. I was in heaven. 

As my father and I shared this moment of an utter loss of control (on both our parts), we laughed and laughed mischievously; envisioning the reaction of someone walking in to discover the two "savages" (literal in both senses) gorging aggressively on the unsuspecting cake in the abandoned room. While this memory is likely to bring a smile to my face for many years; it was a weak moment. I did not leave feeling proud of myself, or even physically happy with myself, mainly because I kind of wanted to vomit afterwards due to the sugar overload. 

That was not the only mistake I made over the Christmas break, however, due to the months of hard work and serious dedication, my body was able to adjust to the abuse and managed to pull through for me. I didn't gain a single pound over the holidays, which speaks extremely highly of how powerful it is to live the low glycemic lifestyle. 

Jeremy, my trainer, always told me that once I got my body in a place where I am physically fit enough and built enough muscle, my metabolism will get much faster and be able to deal with occasional indiscretions. I was very doubtful of this since I have alway been the kind of person to balloon up if I even LOOK at food the wrong way, but Jeremy was right yet again. 

The point is, yes- I am going to make mistakes. I am a Savage. I do savage things, like gorge myself on cake in awkward corners of my office building. But as long as I can always bounce back, get back on track, and move on, my body will be able to forgive me for those moments of weakness. 

Envision of future Nicole:

My body is solid muscle. 95% of the year, it's because I worked for it. But there are those occasional days where there is a monster in me, and if I see cake, I will attack. These days are kept to a bare minimum, because I am always striving to better my self control, but they do occur. Thankfully, my body has the proper metabolism to kick butt and make sure that minor offsets will not effect our overall well being. That way, I can have silly bonding moments with others over a piece of cake without wanting to shoot myself afterwards. I work hard, and sometimes I deserve a little sweetness. I know that my health is what is important to me and I am always able to refocus and better myself yet again; never truly veering off of a healthy lifestyle.